Lying
It would be a lie to say that watching the news doesn't trigger intense emotions. Two years later, you'd think one has dealt with the baggage. I guess I've just lied to myself the last two days, saying to myself, that's life people - why are we so shocked?
When really every little part of this whole ordeal is testing my anxiety. My first reaction was (alert - this is intense), How are they going to identify the bodies of the people at a university with so many people? Since their faces are probably blown off, how will people be able to tell? Do people even understand what happens to people who ID bodies belonging to those they once knew? The news is more concerned about getting the first story than the story, we've profiled the killer (funny how we think we can "figure out" people when we all are trying to figure ourselves out in the first place), we've speculated why, we show pictures of people in pain, we talk about each step of the crime, the so-called experts start to appear and tell their lies, and it's only beginning.
We act like we all care, and then we just stop caring and move on. Or maybe we won't this time, because it's a university fueled by money and standard Americans that our country models itself after. When really, people are just scared that it'll be them. We just see mirrors of ourselves in others, and it's why we care during crisis and trauma.
Which is exactly what I am doing here. I care because it hurts me. I'll admit it. Wonder how I'll react tomorrow night in my grad class when it will inevitably come up? I should probably start prepping some meditative state or sit near an exit for a bathroom break.
Do me a favor people, don't pretend like you can even fathom the reasons why mental illness pushes people to these extremes. Few people will every actually understand this, and those people aren't going to be talking to us - the public. Furthermore, nobody will ever know since he killed himself, and every prediction just hurts the victims more. Unless of course you believe in God. That usually takes care of some loose ends.
I think it's enough to know about it - that's it. This is sympathy for others, at least how I see it at this moment. Your talking and discussing won't carry much weight, at least not where it matters for those directly affected.
It's probably very mean and hurtful of me to call out other people's sympathy, but I guess this is me being honest and direct. I've never been one to promote not discussing about anything, but I've felt different lately. Some things are just pointless conversations even though we like to think we're getting somewhere.
Tomorrow and for a little while longer, I'll just lie to people and tell them that I'm "good." I don't want explain why I'm "not good" only to relive/revive a school shooting and every little ounce of pain that follows.
Well, enough off the top of my head babbling for now.
When really every little part of this whole ordeal is testing my anxiety. My first reaction was (alert - this is intense), How are they going to identify the bodies of the people at a university with so many people? Since their faces are probably blown off, how will people be able to tell? Do people even understand what happens to people who ID bodies belonging to those they once knew? The news is more concerned about getting the first story than the story, we've profiled the killer (funny how we think we can "figure out" people when we all are trying to figure ourselves out in the first place), we've speculated why, we show pictures of people in pain, we talk about each step of the crime, the so-called experts start to appear and tell their lies, and it's only beginning.
We act like we all care, and then we just stop caring and move on. Or maybe we won't this time, because it's a university fueled by money and standard Americans that our country models itself after. When really, people are just scared that it'll be them. We just see mirrors of ourselves in others, and it's why we care during crisis and trauma.
Which is exactly what I am doing here. I care because it hurts me. I'll admit it. Wonder how I'll react tomorrow night in my grad class when it will inevitably come up? I should probably start prepping some meditative state or sit near an exit for a bathroom break.
Do me a favor people, don't pretend like you can even fathom the reasons why mental illness pushes people to these extremes. Few people will every actually understand this, and those people aren't going to be talking to us - the public. Furthermore, nobody will ever know since he killed himself, and every prediction just hurts the victims more. Unless of course you believe in God. That usually takes care of some loose ends.
I think it's enough to know about it - that's it. This is sympathy for others, at least how I see it at this moment. Your talking and discussing won't carry much weight, at least not where it matters for those directly affected.
It's probably very mean and hurtful of me to call out other people's sympathy, but I guess this is me being honest and direct. I've never been one to promote not discussing about anything, but I've felt different lately. Some things are just pointless conversations even though we like to think we're getting somewhere.
Tomorrow and for a little while longer, I'll just lie to people and tell them that I'm "good." I don't want explain why I'm "not good" only to relive/revive a school shooting and every little ounce of pain that follows.
Well, enough off the top of my head babbling for now.
You are the first person I thought of when I heard the news. Just wanted to let you know I love you and I'm thinking about you. The faux sympathy and glitzy news reports about it bug me too.
Posted by
Julie |
10:33 AM