Relief
Possibly because my own family has not gone far in post-secondary education, I am a failure avoider. I remember crying, my senior year in high school, in my favorite teacher's classroom. I was freaked out by college. I knew I had to go, but nobody I knew had ever made it through.
I traversed through the courses in college easier than expected. I found I was equiped to succeed, and I had no reason for fear.
However, that first-generation complex doesn't go away, I discovered. Even when I was accepted into T*FA, I was genuinely surprised. How could I, a state university student, beat out ritzy Harvard grads?
I applied with passion. That's what did it.
So now I sit here, reading the hours of curriculum that must be finished before Institute this summer, and am totally surprising myself. I'm specifically reading about reasons why the achievement gap exists, only to find out that I have already taught all of this stuff to myself. Of course that is thanks to a certain crusty professor who gave me the freedom to explore what I cared about in his courses.
I applied myself in his courses with passion.
I'm about to learn how to turn the achievement gap around. That's what I didn't know how to figure out on my own and my education department ignored.
Yet again, the complex arises. As part of my acceptance I have the opportunity to attend JHU in Baltimore. My own research discovered that it's one of the best education grad schools in the country. I may even be able to receive an advanced masters degree, but I find myself doubting if I'm smart enough to do it and well.
I do this all the time. And I encounter it every day at school when students doubt themselves and I TALK THEM THROUGH THEIR SELF-DOUBTING. Now I'm talking myself through the doubts, because I want to be more than someone who talks a lot.
The same professor often talked about cherishing failure. That is what I will do. If I fail at grad school, so be it. If I pursue it with passion, I think I'll be successful. If I pursue it with passion and fail, then I'll be content knowing I did my best.
I traversed through the courses in college easier than expected. I found I was equiped to succeed, and I had no reason for fear.
However, that first-generation complex doesn't go away, I discovered. Even when I was accepted into T*FA, I was genuinely surprised. How could I, a state university student, beat out ritzy Harvard grads?
I applied with passion. That's what did it.
So now I sit here, reading the hours of curriculum that must be finished before Institute this summer, and am totally surprising myself. I'm specifically reading about reasons why the achievement gap exists, only to find out that I have already taught all of this stuff to myself. Of course that is thanks to a certain crusty professor who gave me the freedom to explore what I cared about in his courses.
I applied myself in his courses with passion.
I'm about to learn how to turn the achievement gap around. That's what I didn't know how to figure out on my own and my education department ignored.
Yet again, the complex arises. As part of my acceptance I have the opportunity to attend JHU in Baltimore. My own research discovered that it's one of the best education grad schools in the country. I may even be able to receive an advanced masters degree, but I find myself doubting if I'm smart enough to do it and well.
I do this all the time. And I encounter it every day at school when students doubt themselves and I TALK THEM THROUGH THEIR SELF-DOUBTING. Now I'm talking myself through the doubts, because I want to be more than someone who talks a lot.
The same professor often talked about cherishing failure. That is what I will do. If I fail at grad school, so be it. If I pursue it with passion, I think I'll be successful. If I pursue it with passion and fail, then I'll be content knowing I did my best.
Hey - the competition is over, remember? We're in, which means we're good enough. The only way we could fail at this point is to give in to fear and go teach in some preppy suburban school.
Rock.
Posted by
Julie |
5:05 PM
I don't know if the doubt and competition with yourself ever goes away completely. I think what changes (Especially with success and maturity) is that you have more ability to rationalize your fear and make it go away faster.
It sounds like you have done a good job at kicking it's ass. ;)
Posted by
Loralee Choate |
10:52 AM
Your passion is contagious. I could feel it coming off of you in waves as you sat there eating bruchetta across the table from me. I could hear it in your voice every time you talked about your students. You'll do fine. I can tell--I just can. Passion counts for a lot-hell, sometimes it counts for everything!
Posted by
Jessie |
9:39 PM