Layers

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Sun, 04 Nov 2007 16:06:00 +0000

It's truly been a while since I've jumped on to blog myself, although I've been actively watching the blog world. In the meantime, school is obviously in full swing along with life. I'm getting ready to start working with the Project to End Human Trafficking. I'm aching for Northern Minnesota, which is a surprise for me. Scout, the wonderful dog, is more and more wonderful every day. Hopkins courses are such a waste of time right now - who knew grad courses could be so ridiculous at such a supposedly good institution. I literally had a prof read handouts to us for an entire two hour block. Who does that? I can't stand my bosses on most days, but the kids are fabulous and crazy. My students are producing student journalism with a higher level of fierceness than before. Although, I must say, it's been an exhausting emotional year with the kids. They know such sadness and pain, and they're ready to share the moment they walk in to my room. I can't even tell you how many kids I've had crying in my classroom with me about the shit that happens to them when they leave my room. I've been throwing these situations around a lot after seeing Gone Baby Gone. After some friends and I left the theater, we were over stimulated and morally overwhelmed. Maybe it resonates with us more because we fight for our children every day that aren't really our children, and we don't know how to handle that boundary when it comes to their needs. However, in the end, if you truly take the movie up on all it has to offer, it is dumbfounding. No promises on more frequent updates or even better quality, but hello, here's a snapshot of now.

that thing with kids

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Sun, 02 Sep 2007 13:52:00 +0000

School started, Hopkins and my own kiddos. So far, the bitterness for not getting to have control over my own career path is fading. It's not healthy to hang on to that stuff, so I'm letting it go. Hence my willingness to help out with the restructuring committee. Why not?

This is year three of teaching, year four if you count RL student teaching, year 40 if you count the chaos of that student teaching year. We have a lot of new teachers at my school, and I can't help but to want to coddle them. They are panicked and feeling defeated. It's such a horrible but strengthening process, that first year. Even last year was troubling in Baltimore since it was a new school, but all of the emotions that come with starting in this field, particularly in schools with chaotic infrastructure, had dissipated. It's good to be here a second year, even though it wasn't my original choice. I appreciate the continuity, and I feel better knowing I'm with a couple of students that I was particularly concerned about. Like my little guy who is a junior and read at a second grade level.

The Wilson reading teacher and I are breaking some rules together. He gets a lot of thinking skills out of my class. I'm always pushing them to be analytical about the way the media is controlling their minds, but in the end, he won't go to college (like HE WANTS) if he can't read. So, unofficially, he's going to be in my class part time, and go to her class the other part. I'm going to grade him for the work he does in there. I didn't think she'd go for it, because I totally judged her as an non-invested, jaded, educator. She's not. Fuck me.

My other kiddo won't stop wearing his flag. I'm the official crime scene recorder in my school. Seriously, they send me everywhere at the most awkward times (like in the middle of my instruction) to take picture of weapons and graffiti. I noticed his crew had scribbled their reps on the wall. Thank god this kid is brilliant. He's going to hand that flag over to me each morning so he doesn't repeat last year's long term suspension. He might be one of the kids that will break me.

In other news, I have a new department head. She is wonderful. We had a departmental meeting where there was no conflict, just a meeting of the minds. She did what few can do: take administrative demands and make them applicable instead of ridiculous and offered to at least try to negotiate with administration for the few demands that really seemed strange. She is already checking lesson plans after only one week of teaching. And I have to create three plans a day! That is crazy. Kind of overwhelming. However, I appreciate her holding us accountable in a way that embraces student success and not a power-hungry-drive that is purely for the sake of itself.

Now I get to do the thing that revs me, lesson plan. As I've said before. This is such a renewing process. Anything is possible when I take a moment to breathe and think. I can soulfully say that I'm not scared of failing in my classroom. It's okay to think big and for it to not work. I will risk.

Being home

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 17:14:00 +0000

The visit home has flown by at a ridiculous rate. My little vacation to Minnesota has turned out to be a big money drain, and I was so driven to not be stressed out by money that I lost a little bit of control along the way. Little things add up. Oh well. It's not like that's the statement of the century. BUT I've had a great time and don't regret it. It looks like I'll just have to be conservative for the next couple of weeks.

I'm stealing this picture from Julie because we look so darn cute!

Last night we spent some time catching up. Jon and Natasha are wonderful - even if they tend to sober the evening with asteroid, global warming realities. We hit up their new apartment for careless conversation. I think I'm a better person for knowing them. Maybe.

Until I move back here one day, I'm not sure that I'll ever get to see all the people I want in anything more than short blasts of conversations and catch up games.

I start the drive back to Baltimore on Friday morning, where I'll make a pit stop in Chicago to see Kamran. That should be entertaining. Although I heard he cut off his Jesus hair. That might change things.

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Sat, 11 Aug 2007 02:18:00 +0000

I didn't get the transfer. Too much unrest at the school I wanted to transfer to, with a principal leaving for another district halfway through the process. He was my advocate and warrior.

dealing with anger

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 03:09:00 +0000

I am so perturbed by the way my transfer is being dealt with that I found myself practicing what I would say (in the car) on the first day of school to my principal if I didn't get it.

I have no idea what's going to happen, but I'm pretty sure the transfer won't go through. I just haven't heard anything and the pessimism is growing.

The job I want won't be there after next year, and I will no longer be able to teach in the program at the school that's holding me hostage. Basically, this means being a Baltimore teacher is up in the air for year three. I wanted to stay here too, this sucks.

I'm probably getting waaaayyyy ahead of myself. So this entry is me blabbling and moving on for the sake of enjoying the rest of my real vacation time at home.

This is awkward

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 03:06:00 +0000

but I think I like it...

Scout can still hike

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 23:53:00 +0000

After the poisoning incident, Scout seems to be just fine. When the normal wear of a Monday was over, we went on a rejuvenating hike on Gunpowder. There is just something so calming about watching this little guy explore the trail. I drop the leash and let him have at it. He doesn't go far from me, and I'm starting to get a little nervous by this bond that I'm forming with him. I grew up with animals, adored them. But this little guy is mine, solely. It's been pretty amazing watching him grow up and learning all of those little things like using the stairs, swimming, housebreaking even. He even has a manly bark. I think it makes sense that I enjoy this so much, since I dig my day job.

Which brings me to that. Teaching is going wonderfully. I have my footing, figure out the 30 minute lessons. Our scholars are freakin' incredible. They've been opening themselves up to a whole new way of existing and some are meeting this with immediate success. Others need some time and our, the staff's, persistence. It's just amazing, every morning, to have an administrator face all of our students in complete silence. He has silence because he's that good. He can tell these wiggly 9th graders a straight story. He harps on them, gets frustrated, and loud. Two seconds later, a smile stretches his face and he's pointing at them and saying, "but we aren't giving up on you. You can do this. THIS IS IMPORTANT. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT." It's just going to take time for kids who are used to failing and being failed to move the other direction, but some are latching on and they're slowly pulling everyone else over as well.

The transfer to this school is static at this point. I'm unhappy with the union's attention to this issue that's affecting the placement of many teachers, but I just don't have it in me to give my time to helping create a solution to the union's kinks. I can't imagine being a leader in the union and how hard, overwhelming that may be, but it needs to be better. My heart's just not in tackling that problem. Rather, I'm helping out a Hopkins prof with a nonprofit that works to end human trafficking. I'll be putting in anywhere from 10-20 hours from now on. I have to say, I really miss this part of my life, you know where I volunteered and was a social advocate for people. Can't wait.

Angela

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Sun, 22 Jul 2007 14:21:00 +0000

I live in East Baltimore, really just its beginnings. While my street has its fair share of violence and drugs in their many forms, my roommate and I have had a good experience being in this neighborhood. I'd say it is still good, even after last night.

One of our neighbors, Angela, always tries to yell at Heather and I when we bring our trash out before the actual trash days. Whatever. It's our can, we can fill it. She has a mental health disorder, that much is obvious. She is always well-meaning, and who can dislike someone who wishes me happy birthday every time I meet her again for "the first time?"

Yesterday I went to throw dirty litter in the trash can and she approached me, inevitably asking me to not put my trash out yet. I skirted around it, and she started telling me about how much they try to keep the trash cans cleaned up. She does. She does it well. I asked her if it was because of the rats; I've noticed they have open wounds and sores and thought them diseased. With a look of pride she told me about how she was taking matters into her own hands and was setting out poison. Now it made sense.

I left and did my day.

Then my night did me.

I was cooking dinner, let Scout out, chopped an onion, let him in. He came in, happy as hell, and was munching on something. I immediately started digging in his mouth, because the rats carry chicken bones into our yard and Scout tries to gnaw on them. I pull out what looks like a puporoni.

Immediately, it occurs to me that this is probably rat poison.

This kills dogs.

Due to the onion, I wasn't sure how much he had. I didn't even really know if it was rat poisoning, but I panicked for two seconds and threw him a bagel. He was really feeling great now. Wow - a whole bagel.

Proceeded to handle the situation in an awkward fashion and called my dad, hardware store extraordinare, who would absolutely be able to confirm my fears. I took a picture, sent it to him, and he gave it a go - my dog was eating poison. In a last ditch effort to not have a poisoned dog on my hands that I LOVE AND AM OBSESSED WITH I walked over to Angela's and showed her what I pulled out of Scout's mouth. She confirmed and then told me it was three times bigger at one time.

I proceeded to drive Scout to 24/7 animal shock trauma center. I called them first, and they riled me up further. So I blasted the Vibe to the hospital. I walked in the door - they took him from me immediately (still looking normal and happy-go-lucky).

$300 later, his stomach was pumped, filled with charcoal, and they injected two softball sized tumors of water into his skin. I left with vitamin K pills that he has to take twice a day for two weeks.

There are two kinds of rat poisoning: blood thinning and some sort of brain failure type. They treated him for the blood thinning form, because there's now way at this point to know if he had the kind that will attack his brain. That doesn't show up for a couple of weeks, you know when I start watching him to see if he changes.

Since the rats had so many sores and wounds, I think he's safe from the brain killing agent, but we just can't know that as 100% true.

His poop is black.

Baltimore is a city

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 20:09:00 +0000

Since I vacationed in Boston I've started teaching summer orientation at *hopefully* my new school. I have to say, things are going really well. Aside from minor random facts of teaching life (like a 14 year-old girl standing in front of me, with sad eyes, saying that she can't wait to go to the bathroom, and watching a yellow pool form below us), everything is just so normal and right with this school.

I'm struggling with 35 minute periods that aren't on consistent bells. They play jazz music during passing time, and that means someone has to go into the hallway and hit play on the CD player. It's not clockwork, but it's better and calmer - the hallways are more peaceful thanks to the greats. I just don't quite know how to make a meaningful lesson fit in that time frame. I've noticed these last three days that I need to talk less, though.

A wonderful friend visited this past weekend. It was good and calming to see her - and her boyfriend is a good guy. Whew. Good for him, because Scout can tell these types of things and his stay at my house would've been vicious. She and I have the ease and honesty with each other that I want with all my friends, and she's one of the first people to see me at my worst and make that okay. Maybe that's because her parents freakin' rock. They were in town too - love their sense of humor and hospitality.

Okay, I should go. I'm working on doing some justice to history during these next three weeks. I'm starting by making sure my students know who/what/when/where the Native Americans are - and they're letting themselves be upset by the history itself and the way things played out. Oh, and they're learning their states. They don't know them - but they will. Knowing where you are is half the battle, sometimes.

Lifetime teacher?

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 04:47:00 +0000

Don't know. Funny thing is I used to always know exactly what I wanted to do with my life. Then life happened, more specifically a near-death encounter, and now I don't know what I want anymore - you know in specific professional terms (I suppose small parts of not professional life too).

I love teaching. Love it. Sometimes hate it, but usually love it and all of its ugly. I'm loving my counseling class and wish it didn't end tomorrow. I guess more than anything, the class has just reminded me that there is so much social activism left to do that can be done professionally, and if that ends up always being teaching, fine; at least now I can say that I'm legitimately considering options in general. I've focused so much on doing one thing the best I can these past six years that I've built a sort of tunnel vision.

Good thing I have friends. Check out this weekend's view:

View of White Mountains from Mt. Cardigan's Summit

Me, Kim, and Kerri

Sicko

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Sun, 01 Jul 2007 16:35:00 +0000

Michael Moore is a sexy beast.

He can be a little extreme - okay, a lot extreme. When all was said and done in the theater, I felt a little overwhelmed and inundated with information. I'd like to now take some time to sort through his arguments and sources. In the end, I am with him. Not only is it ridiculous that we don't have universal health care, but for those who do have insurance, how is it that we've not held those institutions ethically accountable?

I mean, really, check out this NYTimes article: Psychiatrists Top List in Drug Maker Gifts.

The film left me pretty disappointed in Hillary Clinton. She lost any potential vote from me after seeing this film. I had no idea she received so many contributions from the same system she fought. And I'll judge her for her early nineteen-nineties silence after her health care plan was defeated. I'll hold the grudge until she tries again.

I was relieved to see that Moore gave air-time to 9/11 rescuers. I can distinctly remember sitting in rush hour traffic on 494 three summers ago and listening to a MN public radio piece about how all of these selfless people were suffering from major respiratory illnesses. Same thing happened with the workers from the Valdez oil spill, but these people are freakishly, consistently untreated. It's sad that, still, nothing has happened to help.

If Moore was perceived as a little less extreme, more people would listen to him. However, if he was less extreme, he wouldn't be exposing every truth.

Vinyasa Yoga

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 13:59:00 +0000

Last night I checked out a beginner's hot vinyasa class at a studio that overlooks the harbor. Sweat dripped, and it felt good to be alone, searching for peacefulness. The last week has been nurturing. I hit a trail that engulfed me in streams and trees, hit the gym at 5:45ish each morning, and tested out a new yoga studio. Each morning I've been relaxing at different coffee digs working on Hopkins, exploring the internet, n'such. It's just been so nice that I turned down the Starbuck's job and am opting to rely only on my summer orientation teaching for money for the sake of quiet.
I'm heading to Boston next weekend to see a good friend and another is coming to stay with me for the following weekend. I miss both of these ladies, and it'll be wonderful to see them.

What I don't get is why I'm sleeping so poorly. I go to bed exhausted, wake up really earlier, any caffeine in my system should be processed and out by sleeping time...

I'm in it for the kids.

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 21:13:00 +0000

My principal called me last night and talked to me for over half an hour. "I'm in it for the kids," she continually blurted. Yeah, awesome, me too, stop. It's almost felt like a cover, all too convenient. But I guess I think being in it for the kids is shown through actions and not having to blatantly state it to a teacher who often puts in 90 hour weeks.

I left a pleading letter with her on my last day of work, and it basically took her through why I'm justified moving on. I tried to employ logic, and I even let a little emotion creep in to see if that would work too. I just wanted her to see that my decision making was very deliberate and not something she should take personal. I think my letter hit some sort of emotional chord with her. She cares very much about her image as a principal, and she interpreted my letter as me having a negative one of her. It wasn't really about her at all, but that's what happens when narcissistic people deal with other narcissistic people.

After a lot of her being passive-aggressive and scolding me for things that couldn't be prevented (how am I supposed to tell her I want to leave before I knew I wanted to leave? seriously), she mostly came out of the talk as supportive of the transfer. She told me that she's doing everything she can to find a good person to replace me, and as soon as she finds someone she'll release me. I feel good about this awkward conversation, because she knows where I stand and there isn't bad blood. As bizarre as she can be, I still mostly like her and firmly believe she's really just doing her best as a first year principal. I'm pretty sure the transfer will go through. It's just a matter of me being patient with the way time inevitably slows itself when working with this district.

Zits

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 15:48:00 +0000

This weekend was full. I drove to Ohio, six and a half hours of driving from Baltimore, to help the family move my sister into her new apartment. It's a little freaky to think that she's starting grad school. In that same weekend, I left a school that I won't return to and students I will see again but in such a different way. I had a birthday, my mom had a birthday, and we embraced father's day.

Last week was pretty awful. I just really bottomed out. I guess it makes sense, but I was pitiful. Thank god for therapists and good friends and family. Anyway, the summer is looking like it'll be rejuvenating in the end. And as part of that process, I just finished Sherman Alexie's newest Flight. Pretty breezy, easy read. I found it captivating. Raw. Nothing notable literary-wise, but entertaining. And who doesn't want to read a book about an adolescent teenage boy named Zits?

Feist played at the 930 club, and she lived up to the hype. I would've had an amazing time if it wasn't during the bottoming out period, but I was able to appreciate/gawk at/obsess over her talent even if enjoyment wasn't totally in the picture.

Just grabbed this new music: Grow up and Blow Away by Metric / Peter Bjorn & John / matt pond pa / The Cribs.

Besides an interview for a Barista job at this guy's favorite place, I'm going to focus on training Scout, figuring out that guitar, going to the beach, finish my class at Hopkins, working out like a motherfucker, reading da books, etc. It's going to be a great summer, despite mishaps.

Getting Stuff Right

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 14:52:00 +0000

I'm doing pretty well right now. Considering that life has been crazy, I've just let it be.

On Friday I made my students come to school, because I just wasn't happy with their portfolios. Thursday was supposed to be their last day. I lured them in with chocolate chip, strawberry pancakes with all the fixings. I think it worked. I made them from scratch and used my roommate's griddle right in front of them. They loved. I think I made over a hundred pancakes while they hurriedly finished their radio productions.

I then stopped them for a moment and showed them a short fifteen-minute movie I made for them. It was sort my way of saying goodbye, because I plan to leave my monster school for a hidden jewel in Baltimore City that can crow a staggering 100% college acceptance rate for its seniors. I have no intention of not being part of their lives, however. We're too close to not stay in touch and for me to check up on their college acceptance rates. Besides, if I don't check up on them, how will I ever know if B gets the education he needs to surpass his third grade reading level?

As for the blocked transfer to the charter school, it's still blocked. I'm planning on it going through, because that's better than not. I'm just really frustrated at Baltimore's system.

Baltimore has created this process called zero-base, which essentially means that Principals get to start with zero staff and rebuild their classrooms. Everybody gets fired and has to reapply for their jobs. I can see how it makes sense to get rid of under performing teachers. However, those teachers still end up at another school, if I'm not mistaken. It seems like another band aid and short term solution for what is really a long term problem.

Then there's Aimless. I wasn't really thinking about leaving until I was recruited, basically, to teach at this other school. So I started thinking about what that transition would mean to my career and the long run of what I could do to help bring a positive impact to students. I still wasn't sold on leaving, although I was sold on the effectiveness and amazingness of the charter school. Then my principal made some choices about the program I teach without talking to me about it, and I realized that I couldn't get behind what she wanted me to teach. Basically, she wants to me to reconstruct my academy from its mission of giving kids opportunities to do whatever they want to do by starting with college, and being accepted into many colleges, to gaming. She wants my academy to do one thing: produce students who walk out with a certificate paper showing that they mastered a very specific field. I'm not behind that.

I made the jump. I accepted the offer, because it might not be there in two years when she tries to get this new program off the ground. So even though, I'm being fired and have to reapply, apparently I can't accept a new position. This doesn't make sense, because we were told we could leave if we wanted.

It just seems that if you're going to enact a policy of zero-basing you need to realize that it's a double-edge sword. You might lose staff you don't want to lose in the process. Technically, new teachers are tied to their schools for, I think, two or three years before they can transfer. These rules are supposed to go out the window for zero-based sites.

She's (principal) trying to convince me to stay, and I'm humbled by that, but I don't want to be there if I can be at this other school I BELIEVE IN.

This leaves the transfer up in the air, but I think it'll go through since my new principal (I speak as if it'll happen) is fighting for me. He's actually rebelling against North Avenue. I love this guy. He's everything that's right about leadership. He inspires me. So. Much.

Current Principal is going to be even more angry when she finds out I'm kidnapping a student to come to the charter with me. I went to family orientation this week, and my student and her father are behind this new school.

Another random question:

I went to get my vision test yesterday for my license. Can somebody decode this sentence for me, because the entire staff and I couldn't figure out what to select?

Do you feel your patient would be safe driving in an area limited to familiar surroundings?

the doc selected no - which I thought made me sound like it was unsafe for me to drive in familiar surroundings / so she switched it to yes and put no restrictions above the box. Ahhh!

Graduation

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 17:08:00 +0000

My school is awkward. Not only did some key teachers work their asses off to make graduation happen, but some administrators did so little work that they undid the worked off asses. Really sad. So many little things, that the kids didn't notice, went wrong. I guess I just want it to be a ceremony of integrity. Oh well. It all ended with an adult pulling a gun in the middle of the lobby during the reception. Nothing happened - besides him just showing it and causing mass pandemonium.

Random Things

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Sat, 02 Jun 2007 03:43:00 +0000

I'm currently reading:

god is not Great by Christopher Hitchens
Teachers Have it Easy: The Big Sacrifices and Small Salaries of America's Teachers by Daniel Moulthrop, Ninive Clements Calegari, and Dave Eggers
Flight by Sherman Alexie
A Thousand Splendind Suns by Khaled Hosseini
Traumatic Stress edited by Bessel A. van der Kolk, Alexander C. McFarlane, and Lars Weisaeth

Clearly this is going to take me a while to plow through, especially since I have to brush up on what the Praxis gods consider to be the classics. My masters program requires me to take a test that I don't need since my MN license transfered. I can't help but to read several books at once. Maybe it's an issue of stamina???

I started a new class at Hopkins this week. My department is letting me be the guinea pig and take a class out of my program and let it count as an elective for my program. This rocks. The class is an amazing beginning counseling course. I think when I'm done with it, at the end of the day, when that one student lingers, I'll actually know better how to access resources or even just how to listen. My prof is so amazing that on the side, she started a nonprofit that counsels victims of human trafficking all over the world.

Then there's summer money. Ugh. I wish we were paid through the summer, even though it means smaller checks each time. I've got an interview with a summer program that has a pretty solid track record and has a national reputation for moving its summer students ahead significantly, in terms of literacy. The catch is that the program is elementary based, but this includes what I consider to be middle school students. I've got some experience from a few years back with middle school students. Hard to remember anything substantial, besides one lesson, that I accomplished with that age group. I was so fresh out of college I had little knowledge of what I was really doing, I guess I still am pretty fresh out of college and still have a lot to learn (I'm assuming I always will, by the way).

That brings me to tomorrow. My seniors are graduating! For some reason, I'm really excited to put the garbs on and lead them into the stadium and "give them away." This particular bunch has had a pretty dramatic year. An example, one of my students' father died on Monday. Can't even fathom that right now.

And I think we'll end this here, with me staring at these five books, deciding which one to pick up and fling its pages. My 5 am workout is finally catching up (took my first spin class today!), so there might not be much flinging after all.

(By the way, this guy sleeps like a stuffed up, overweight, apnea-plagued, 70 year-old man.)

Happened at my school last year too

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Mon, 28 May 2007 13:03:00 +0000

Finally someone recognized them for their lies.

Administrative Chaos

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Sun, 27 May 2007 17:49:00 +0000

Okay, check this out.

I was offered a job at a charter school that pretty much is everything I believe in with regards to environment and rigor.

My current school is zero-based, which means that everyone is being fired and will have to reapply for their jobs. They also, apparently, have the option to transfer schools. Usually, in Baltimore, you have to teach at a school for three years straight before you can transfer.

Except, they're not letting me transfer, even though I'm getting fired. I'm not sure why people who do half the amount of work I do, make twice as much, get to decide what next steps I take in my career.

In the meantime, I'm doing frivolous things for my current school that make me want to scrape my eyes out. Like make diplomas, certificates, etc.

I like my current school, but I have more to gain and a better impact moving to this other charter school. Plus the principal there is like the karate kid.

I'm obsessed.

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Mon, 21 May 2007 00:57:00 +0000

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Sat, 12 May 2007 15:45:00 +0000

Thanks a lot Natasha for tagging me with this stupid meme-thing. Oh well - I'm playing hooky right now anyway.

Start with eight random facts/habits about yourself. Tag eight more people to blog their own eight things.

Here are my random bits:

1. I just discovered that working out at 6:00 am is actually really relaxing. It's so nice to get home from teaching and know that I have the rest of the night for whatever I need and want.

2. My sister graduated from college yesterday, and I couldn't be there.

3. In my first flowerbed the first morning glory bloomed today. The lilies, rosebushes, snapdragons, and begonias have been going strong.

4. We just fling Scout and Jordan's poop into the abandoned yard next door to us. It's really nothing compared to the needles and dirt condoms that can also be found among the poop.

5. I'm skipping a professional development session right now, because my administration signed me up to work without pay on a Saturday without asking me first. Fucka suckas!

6. Fiest is playing at a local club, and I'm going to see her. I like it this way. Seeing people before I know if I like them. It makes more sense. It's why I like Regina Spektor.

7. Summer is nearing. I can't stop squirming. I just keep thinking about sitting out at Merritt's pool drinking box wine from my Nalgene bottle.

8. I want to be hiking. Right now.

My entire blog world has already been tagged.

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Sun, 06 May 2007 14:47:00 +0000

I'm finally getting real. With the help of an amazing person, I'm starting this quiet revolution of self. I'm purifying my body, pushing it to newness physically, shedding things that have crawled in, to let dark places crawl out.

I found my first full-blown anxiety attack, but now that it happened, I feel better. I'm understanding parts of myself that I refused to acknowledge. Without this coming, I'd never be Aimless again.

That's not an option.

Being Still

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Sat, 28 Apr 2007 16:07:00 +0000

I'm anxious, all over my body, wondering what the night will bring. How will they be?

What's it going to be like saying goodbye to them again?

---

Seeing some of my RL students in D.C. brought such a sense of stillness that I was missing. There wasn't a single awkward moment. We were jubilant and thankful and calmed on a deep level by each other's presence. No. I'm not reading too much into this. Their firm hugs lasted just long enough to wonder about a lot of things. They wouldn't let go. Completely threw me off.

Not because of a shooting, I swear I don't want that to be why, but there is a connection we have with each other that is rarely defeated. The school we once collaborated at has changed in little ways, but remains the same in most.

And I can honestly say that I've not felt such peace since I've moved to Baltimore as I felt last night with these young wonders. I miss my old classroom and moments and the realness that I let into my classroom, then.

Now, I'm different. I didn't see that until I saw them, and I felt myself again. I'm not sure all the ways in which I've changed, or the layers, but they're present.

I tell people, constantly, that I never will return because I don't want to live in the sticks. I don't tell them about the wind, air, and colors that fiercely compete with the risk of loneliness.

It's funny how about an entire year ago I was desperately trying to figure out how to leave my students behind. After that goodbye, the hardest action ever instigated, I felt more and more okay with the decision. It's still the right choice. I know it. I still talk to them on a fairly regular basis on the phone, we email too, so I didn't just ditch them. We stay connected and invested. Seeing them last night, though, was such a treat.

We at ice cream, Rod ran through a thorn bush trying to show off, we privately talked here-and-there about some serious things that needed to be addressed, we laughed about whatever, and taunted speakers at their program's reception for talking about totem poles. Oh those white people. They'll never get it. They couldn't stop themselves. Each of them had brimming smiles, counting their victories, slowly, waiting for validation. I was validating before they could even finish. We had so much fun.

The stillness was bred from knowing that their teachers are so invested in them. I feel so good about who is working, advocating for their welfare. Then there's just seeing that they're okay. They're doing fine. Oh they have the ugly things in life going after them, but they just keep fighting it all off by trying to make good decisions, learning from the ones that weren't good, and moving forward.

This goodbye was better. I didn't know what the future would bring last year, and now it's still pretty fuzzy. But I know that I'll be driving 312 miles up North this summer, during some two week stint, to see them again. This goodbye was the unfortunate-fortunate kind. Like we all understood each other and our respective lives, but we knew that whatever those lives entail - ours are still intertwined, unspoken and still.

Decisions

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Mon, 23 Apr 2007 20:04:00 +0000

I have a pretty big interview coming up, and I'm not sure whether or not I should take it if I get the job. More on this later.

Lying

noreply@blogger.com (Aimless Amy) — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 01:49:00 +0000

It would be a lie to say that watching the news doesn't trigger intense emotions. Two years later, you'd think one has dealt with the baggage. I guess I've just lied to myself the last two days, saying to myself, that's life people - why are we so shocked?

When really every little part of this whole ordeal is testing my anxiety. My first reaction was (alert - this is intense), How are they going to identify the bodies of the people at a university with so many people? Since their faces are probably blown off, how will people be able to tell? Do people even understand what happens to people who ID bodies belonging to those they once knew? The news is more concerned about getting the first story than the story, we've profiled the killer (funny how we think we can "figure out" people when we all are trying to figure ourselves out in the first place), we've speculated why, we show pictures of people in pain, we talk about each step of the crime, the so-called experts start to appear and tell their lies, and it's only beginning.

We act like we all care, and then we just stop caring and move on. Or maybe we won't this time, because it's a university fueled by money and standard Americans that our country models itself after. When really, people are just scared that it'll be them. We just see mirrors of ourselves in others, and it's why we care during crisis and trauma.

Which is exactly what I am doing here. I care because it hurts me. I'll admit it. Wonder how I'll react tomorrow night in my grad class when it will inevitably come up? I should probably start prepping some meditative state or sit near an exit for a bathroom break.

Do me a favor people, don't pretend like you can even fathom the reasons why mental illness pushes people to these extremes. Few people will every actually understand this, and those people aren't going to be talking to us - the public. Furthermore, nobody will ever know since he killed himself, and every prediction just hurts the victims more. Unless of course you believe in God. That usually takes care of some loose ends.

I think it's enough to know about it - that's it. This is sympathy for others, at least how I see it at this moment. Your talking and discussing won't carry much weight, at least not where it matters for those directly affected.

It's probably very mean and hurtful of me to call out other people's sympathy, but I guess this is me being honest and direct. I've never been one to promote not discussing about anything, but I've felt different lately. Some things are just pointless conversations even though we like to think we're getting somewhere.

Tomorrow and for a little while longer, I'll just lie to people and tell them that I'm "good." I don't want explain why I'm "not good" only to relive/revive a school shooting and every little ounce of pain that follows.

Well, enough off the top of my head babbling for now.